I didn't expect to be posting here.

Heya. So, I don't know if I'm really leaving the servers. I'd like to say that nah, I won't be.


But, at this point, I'm not even certain.



I do know that I'm posting here for one purpose though. If I haven't been already, I'll soon be removed from the staff lists.


I resigned just about 5 minutes ago as of writing this, and well... I don't know if I can go through all the writing I did when going to my admin. So, I'll just paste it right here.

Spoiler

Hey there. So. I'm in a mix of feelings as of writing this, but, well..

Getting right to the point, I think I should resign.


I'm just trying to consider a bunch of different things at the moment. But, surprisingly, my real life situations weren't the actual thing that caused me to think of this.

Naturally, I'm imperfect. It's how people are. And I understand, sometimes mistakes are okay to make if you learn from them, but...

Well, lately, I've been feeling less like I've learned from those mistakes and more like I'm pressured by them. If that makes sense. Right now, I fear more about making mistakes than I do actually taking measures to avoid them I feel.

I could shorten this drastically by saying I don't trust myself to make the right decision, and that the best I could offer as a staff member is simply to abstain from making a decision.


It's a strange feeling really. But, I don't believe I can make the right choices as a staff member right now. I guess people like me are just too sensitive to making mistakes and just can't let them go, even if nothing was really harmed in the first place. Still, it's this feeling of pressure that is motivating me to write this out.


I don't want this to seem as though I disliked being a part of the team. I really did love it. And there's definitely going to be a bit of a void in my heart for a bit. Even if we didn't do much all as a collective group, I definitely feel as though I've made friends in the staff teams, and don't wish to break that up... From a professional standpoint opposed to a personal one, I don't think it's the right place for me.

I just don't feel responsible to make the right choices. Hell, I never think I really was responsible enough, mistakes or not. I do take things like doing something wrong personally, and I should've known when getting myself into this that I may have to face criticism of what I do.


I don't consider myself having a thin skin or anything. It's one thing when someone says baseless names or words at you, but it's another thing entirely whenever I feel I genuinely messed up on.


And I don't think pride is a good trait for me to have in a position like this. Especially when it causes staffing to end up being more stressful than helpful, to anyone involved. I constantly overthink decisions after I made them ever since that first report against me. That type of pressure I guess I was just never meant to handle.




I do want to do my best to help out the servers and such. That much hasn't changed, but taking the position as a staff member comes up with a few things I did not expect coming in. I won't stop helping out the servers, but I'll do so in the way any regular would. With forum reports and screenshots. I just don't trust myself to keep my cool anymore looking at in game reports, without getting a little nervous and shaky whenever I can't be 100% on something. I've become less of an independent worker now since I constantly seem to either be going to an admin of some sort, or seeking another staff member's advice for how to handle something.


I've just now finally come to the conclusion that I'm not cut out for this particular sort of stuff.






I don't regret my time here though, I just want to know what's better. I sincerely enjoyed my time with all the staff, and I still want to continue my existing friendships that I have with everyone. And I still will offer my help whenever. I just know that for this particular part of work, it may be best cut out for someone else. I'm perfectly fine doing my part from the sidelines, and assisting on the forums.




Anyway, this seems a little long, since, I guess this feels almost like a goodbye of sorts. To be honest, I halfway was considering asking if you could leave a note on my adminstats or something that I've requested to be denied all further mod applications in case I change my mind, because I know it'll just come back to this and I'll end up kicking myself even harder. But, I don't know anymore.



Still, It's a decision that, while I'm not exactly happy about, I feel is the best decision.



Sincerely, thanks for everything you guys do. I really do mean it.






Oh, as a last note. I don't want it to seem like I felt bullied by anyone giving me criticisms or anything. I don't hold anything against the people who did criticize me. I promise, really. And to anyone who did, I don't want them to feel like it was their fault I left either. Most of this has just been internalized conflicts that I've faced, and I absolutely do not blame anyone.



Anyway. I'm finding it hard to just let this go. It's hard for me to just kinda suck it up and send this in already. Mainly because I just feel this undying need to keep explaining myself.


Ah well.


Thank you for everything. I hope I'll still see ya around.

Heh. I'm a big ol sobber really. Well, either way, I do really have mostly fond memories of everyone. If I do end up leaving the servers in general, I hope it'll be only for a short time. I don't like to leave places for very long. And I still hope to be able to talk with all of ya.

Anyway. I'll be seein' ya.


Edit: Oh, almost forgot. If you've added me on Steam, and still wanna talk to me, I'll probably be changing my name from A Dog. Bark! To RainyKitsune. So, maybe look for me there.

 

Sad to see you go, Goodbye and take care.

 

don't leave tho
i will commit sudoku
no regrets

 

Sometimes all you need is some words from your dearest friend to give you that motivation and confidence. But hey, its your decision. Sad to see you go but, make sure you do hang around the forum or in TS!

 

I get you Dog. I can say that, at least for myself, that I've had those same feelings regarding staffing at first back in my first term. It's a shame that they can get the better of people, but they do. But that's okay! You're one heck of a nice person, and you were a great moderator as well! You will always have a spot in my heart just like any fellow ex-moderator does, and I want you to know that you're not alone when it comes to people who have felt that way. Don't you dare be a stranger. You have a place here just like everyone else does. Take care of yourself.

 

Even though I didn't get to meet you have a nice future.

 

Take care my dear. Although your run here was short, we will indeed miss your presence. And who knows! Maybe one day you will return to us. Until then please do keep in touch!

 

you were pretty okay ngl

Good luck.

 

See ya later space cowboy.

 

Dog, looks like you had to take a run with the pack, we will miss the fun we had, and hopefully can continue. Thank you for everything, don't be a stranger.

 

Its seppuku.
Anyways, I never actually talked to you, Dog, but you seemed really cool.

 

Dog,

I felt very much the same way when I resigned for the first time as mod. I was a mod for a very short time, about a week or week and a half. My first admin @Sinz can confirm this. Don't feel bad about asking questions, it's something that every staff member here does. You're smart, you demonstrated that perfectly with your very short trial phase. Take some time off and come back to us whenever you feel ready. Take care.

 

Oh shit. Sleep in once in a lifetime and i miss this. I will miss you bud. Come back to us whenever you like.

 

Sad to see you leave so soon good luck with everything hope to see you come back to that nice cyan again sometime

 

Your time here was indeed short, but you shined bright. I hope that when you clear your mind, you join us again.

 

I hope you find happiness and success in whatever you do in the future. Come on back when you're ready. Take care <3

 

I was a mod for about 6 months. I had this problem where I was always in fear that what I was doing was not right, that I was somehow making a mistake. It was like a crippling sensation of someone who is hanging on the verge of failure. Sometimes you look off the cliff and think to yourself "today is not the day". Other days you just can't be asked to smile when you know that everything you do is perhaps wrong. You can't gain the confidence to stand up and say "I am a good moderator" because no one is justifying you because everyone sees that you are doing a great job, or if they are it isn't enough. Being a moderator is full of those times, where you must follow a very strict protocol with little to no room for error.

Being afraid of criticism is living with an anxiety that you can't get rid of. What are people saying about me behind my back? How many people have I wronged? How many people think I don't deserve to be where I am now? The anxiety just keeps going and going and going until it either subsides, or takes a great moderator like you. I was not the first mod to feel this, and you won't be the last.

Just remember that no matter what anyone says to you, you are a good mod. Mistakes happen, it's what you do AFTER the mistakes that count.

Goodbye Dog

 

Dog! Who am I going to make jokes about the device with anymore?! ):

 

I really do hate to be the bearer of bad news but...


While, I don't want people to feel their support was for granted or anything, and I do appreciate all the kind words, I am now certain I will not be returning to the staff teams. Regardless if you think I was a good moderator or not, I'll give my reasoning...




Part of the stress that I mentioned was an emotional downfall I had to go through. I had recently gotten fired from a job at that point, which already was putting stress on me... honestly, it was irresponsible of me to even leave my mod app open at the time. And although I seemed to do well with the staff team, and the job itself... the truth was, my incredibly short trial phase left me uneasy, to put it lightly.


For the most part, I still had no idea what I was doing I feel... and i had made a lot of mistakes.




So, why have I come back to this forum to post here? Mainly, just because after what happened just recently, I'm certain of one thing.


My mental state will never be satisfactory enough to rejoin the staff team.

A few other people at the time seemed to voice concerns about this at the time, but somehow, I made it in regardless. I know now they were probably right.


Within the past few days, I have been contemplating suicide. It's a scary thought, and I don't want to go into too much detail. And if also appreciate it if this thread was locked, since I don't desire attention from this in the slightest.


I just want to make it clear, why I am now certain my mental stability is unfit for me to ever rejoin the staff, and I'd like to personally apologize to the people who thought I could do better.

I just don't trust in myself enough for that. Sorry for all the disappointment I've left behind.

 

This thread is now locked as requested.

Staff Members, please respect this fact and keep in mind that the OP has expressed her desire to not receive any more replies to this farewell.